The End Is Near!

My ribbon will be coming down soon.

Every day is a battle for focus and peace. I know enough to know that without those two elements, I'll never make it through anything I face off with. I can feel the crazy..it lurks around every corner. The pressure of his homecoming is overwhelming. The end of a deployment is the forced end and forced beginning of so many things. Things will have to go back to normal..but it's a new normal. It will never be the normal from before he left. It won't be his normal and it won't be my normal..the normal of the last year. It's some new mash-up that we're both being thrown into head-first and even though this is not the first time, it leaves my stomach in a knot. The honeymoon period will last just about two weeks and then reality will set in and we'll have to really dig in, work it out and make it happen. The new wears off, things start getting real and the fun tends to evaporate.

Until then, I'm fighting the anxiety. The bills need to be paid, house needs to be cleaned, clothes need to be washed and put away, I need to buy groceries, school clothes, shoes and supplies, the girls are in full fight mode and I'd love to take a shower. There seems to be no time to do any of this. Normally, (my normal) this wouldn't be an issue..but there's just no time to do a little at at time anymore. I know that I can handle this, it just doesn't feel that way right now. I know, I should be thankful that I have a house to clean, money to buy groceries, children who play hard and love hard and HOT running water for a shower any time I want. I'm just very overwhelmed at the moment.

Change is really hard for me. I've learned to handle it with as much grace as possible, but right now, grace is the name of a mad bull who is standing in a china shop-just waiting for someone to flash some red. I hate feeling like life is shoving me around.

I realize that this is not what you expect to hear from a military wife. I realize that I'm not supposed to be saying alot of this. I realize alot of people will think I'm crazy and possibly even ungrateful. How could I be anything but completely beside myself with happiness? All I can say to that is, if you know me-even a little bit, I'm straightforward and I like to keep it real. This is how it really is. Homecomings aren't always easy. So much has to change and bend. I just have to remember that it's only as easy as I make it. Can I get an AMEN?

I'm thankful for my flexibility.
I'm thankful for my support system of family and friends.
I'm thankful our guys are safe and coming home.
I'm thankful we've made it through another year of trials.
I'm thankful
I'm thankful
I'm thankful.
Dangit.
I'm thankful.

My first post..

Well, I guess after having this blog set up for ever, it's time to start posting.
-but where to start? I'm still sitting here, staring at this mostly blank screen and I'm beginning to remember why it's taken me 8 mos to even open the page. *deep breath* Here goes everything...

This last year has been one huge test of endurance for me..in the form of our second military deployment. While I'm thankful it's almost over, I can't help but recognize that I've learned more about myself and what I want out my life, more than any other time before.

• I've learned that being strong doesn't mean you're not weak.
• I've learned that you can still love and be loved through even your ugliest days.
• I've learned that love comes in all forms and sometimes when you least expect it.
• I've learned that inside this stormy rock-n-roll heart, gentleness still lives.
• I've learned that sometimes you just have to shut up and be quiet for a while.
• I've learned that old friends can become new again if you just let it happen.
• I've learned that sometimes the words are enough and sometimes they aren't.
• I've learned that I can love many people, in many different ways and there's nothing wrong with that.
• I've learned that sometimes when I'm waiting on a phone call to get me thru the day, it's better to make a phone call..someone else needs the same thing.
• I've learned that independent isn't a bad word and I actually love it.
• I've learned that sleeping alone isn't as hard as I thought it would be.
• I've learned that a drive with the windows down and the music up can still clear my head.
• I've learned the importance of sleeping in and never changing outta sweats at least once a week.
• I've learned that my ability to forgive gets easier as I practice forgiveness.
• I've learned that being lonely doesn't always mean being alone and being alone doesn't always mean being lonely.
• I've learned that the world won't end if I don't answer a call, a txt, an email or the door.
• I've learned that my capacity to love is more than I ever imagined.
• I've learned that even at my strongest, I still have and always will, a porcelain heart.
• I've learned that the first few moments of my morning can set the course of my day.
• I've learned that there can always be a reconciliation after even the most heated argument..you just have to want it.
• I've learned that I seeing myself through other's eyes is priceless.
• I've learned that some relationships have an expiration date and I'm still learning to let go.
• I've learned that one of the hardest years of my life has turned out to be one of the one of my best...I know more about who I really am than I did a year ago and as a searcher, that's invaluable.

These are just a handful of the lessons I've learned this year and I've learned to be thankful for all of them.